Building up a new life in a new country has its drawbacks. First off, there is the language issue. I have dealt with that in the only way I know how, I’ve learned Swahili, and speak it every day, even think and dream in Swahili most nights. Second there is the work and accommodation factor. I’ve been struggling with this one, but feel strong enough to deal with whatever I have to in order to be happy. Third and finally we get to friendships, relationships and love. This is where it’s all falling apart, and I’m about ready to crack quite frankly!
I follow my heart, and then wear that heart on my sleeve, proudly. I can’t help it. Every once in a while there comes along someone who changes everything, and right now I’m going through what can only be described as a painful journey of discovery. There have been girls in my life here, stories about which are all over the pages of my blog, but this one is different, as instead of making me continue with who I am, it’s made me strengthen my beliefs and strive to be a better person all round. She ultimately is going home, so regardless of what really happens next, I’m going to be left high and dry in a couple of weeks when she departs. Following that and in order to protect my own daily self, I am heading back to the UK for Christmas and new year, to re-invigorate my friendships back there, and try to get a semblance of who I really am, given all the changes I’ve been through, and exactly how compatible I am with the rest of the world, or whether I do indeed need to live in the forest with my dogs and forget everything else.
So I’m feeling kind of lost in the ether of everything at the moment. Stuck emotionally in a position that I know is not going to end well, with someone who I believe is worth going through the pain for, but ultimately, it’s not up to me. Women have a power over us, that in my time in Africa I had forgotten almost completely, but love, lust, or just downright plain fancying the pants off someone has reminded me what we’re on this earth for, and for the first time since I was a kid I’m thinking about the future in a positive and constructive way. We paint pictures of who we are, and present those to the people we meet, and no matter who you are or where you hail from, those pictures, and in turn our comprehension of what they mean all stand to make us who we are, and where we’re going. I don’t think I can go through this again without first knowing that I have painted the right picture; a true image of myself, who that is and what it means to those around me. All of our lives are just a series of moments we choose to play out or ignore, and in this particular scenario, for better or worse, I’m choosing to play it out with all my heart, even if it destroys me.
Back to work, and life in Tanzania continues to bring its struggles and strife, but I have recently rediscovered my passion for what I originally came here for, and have been leading a class with two locals helping me out with the Swahili and general lack of understanding, but all in all, what we are achieving together serves to keep my original intentions alive and well. The sharing of knowledge, in a country like this, is an integral part of the learning process for most people, and often the most overlooked part of each person’s own personal development and education. I believe that through the power of their own self-will and determination, these kids and young adults are capable of achieving anything they want, their only drawbacks are often things which have been imposed on them by their society, and things which I believe can be undone. Bringing their level of exposure of the world up to a level where they feel empowered to find out whatever they want about anything at all gives me huge satisfaction, and I just hope that it hasn’t all been in vain. Should I not return to Tanzania to live forever, I believe that the few I have worked with will have gained something from my time here, and I encourage them to dream, to hold on to those dreams and never let anyone tell them they can’t do whatever they want. It’s a lesson I need to learn about my own life, having almost forgotten what it is that makes me the person I am, what drives me, what I dream about and how I can use those dreams to build a future for all around me to benefit from.
On that note, and along the lines of my own dreams and ambitions, the biggest project et to unfold in my mind is that of my own music festival, hippies and all, on the beaches of Tanzania, but ultimately bringing people from all round the world together to celebrate how music can change all of our lives, and bring us closer together, no matter where you’re from or what you love. It’s a big ambition, but something that I believe will work, given the right level of effort and time, and throughout all of this, I will be finally working on the real dream I have had ever since I first dropped acid in a field in Somerset. The little piece of my brain that I left behind back then when I was 16 has finally returned to me, and now I am ready to let it speak to me, let it direct me towards ultimate happiness, and make a lot of people happy at the same time. The atmosphere I want to create, rather than the business model or proposal that ultimately needs to be made, is the driving force behind all this. With the right people on board, we can all live out this dream together, and so I genuinely hope that whoever you are, whether you know me, whether you read my blog regularly or just coming here for the first time, I want you all to know I love you, I need you, and I hope to lose that piece of brain again with you, on the beach in early 2015. See you all there!!
So if you’re interested to know more about the proposed venue, initial plans, or are just as excited about this as I am, please get in touch, I’d love to hear from you and get your input. Together we can make this happen!
Speak soon, keep the love! 😀